You Know Who Has Something to Say about the Tariffs? Barbie
By Nancy Colasurdo
Rows and rows of Barbie dolls in fuchsia boxes are sitting, waiting, hoping to be purchased from a department store shelf. An entire aisle, sad and abandoned. The plastic girls are bored and restless.
But then, a rumbling. Rock Star Barbie comes to life and wriggles the guitar strap over her head. Suddenly she’s standing in front of her silver mic and belting at full volume:
You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
A few boxes over, there is movement from Pop Star Barbie and Country Singer Barbie. They join in:
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
Yowza.
They start jammin’. The word is out. The President of the United States keeps talking about how dolls are going to cost more with his new tariffs. It has reached the Barbies.
“Maybe the children will have two dolls instead of 30 dolls,” he said in a cabinet meeting. “Maybe the two dolls will cost a couple bucks more than they would normally.”
Suddenly it’s a kind of organized chaos in the toy aisle. Veterinarian Barbie and Hair Stylist Barbie are singing. Ballerina Barbie does a twirl. Astronaut Barbie comes to attention. Cheerleader Barbie is doing a cartwheel.
And oh, heck yes, Army Barbie, Navy Barbie, Air Force Barbie and Marine Barbie are mobilized and ready to lead the pack to the streets. One by one, they jump out of their boxes and follow their sisters. Nurse Barbie and Soccer Player Barbie and Pastry Chef Barbie and Biologist Barbie -- too many to list! – begin marching.
“Wait!” says Art Teacher Barbie. “We need to make signs!”
She leads them to the art supplies section of the store, and they spread out on the floor with their poster board, neon-colored markers, glue and stencils. Just a sampling of what they produce:
End the tariffs! We don’t want to be homeless.
30? I keep hearing customers say they can no longer afford ONE of us.
POTUS can kiss my plastic ass.
The military Barbies are a little squirmy over the irreverence to the commander-in-chief, but then they remember they took an oath to defend the Constitution, including free speech, and in short order they’re off to hit the pavement.
Pilot Barbie and Train Conductor Barbie are particularly fired up. They’ve heard about the dire issues at Newark Airport and a pending mass transit strike. It’s transportation madness. Homeless and out of work? Not on their watch.
Cinematographer Barbie and Film Director Barbie are keen on recording everything that’s going down for a long-term project, while TV News Camerawoman Barbie has instant gratification in mind and records snippets for the evening broadcast (and maybe even TikTok).
Soon there are hordes of Barbies streaming into the streets from other stores and factories. They’re pissed and on a mission.
Photojournalist Barbie sees a group of human women – giants! – nearby and cautiously approaches. She wants a photo of them, but also has some questions for them about who they are and why they’re there.
“It’s so exciting to see the dolls mobilize!” says one woman.
“We didn’t know they had it in them,” says another.
“They’re actually helping to amplify our voices,” says another.
Photojournalist Barbie asks for their names. All over age 50, they look at each other, grinning and nodding. They’ve been waiting for this opportunity.
One steps up and, pointing, says, “We are, left to right, Social Security Barbie, Menopause Barbie, Cancer Survivor Barbie, Grandmother Barbie, Knee Replacement Barbie, Aging Hippie Barbie, Feminist as Shit Barbie, Widow Barbie, Loud and Proud Barbie, Athleisure Barbie, and Activist Barbie.”
A near cackle comes from Photojournalist Barbie as she jots it all down.
Then they get quiet to listen to the featured speaker, Entrepreneur Barbie:
“How am I supposed to start a business and nurture it from a box on a shelf? I need to be purchased, unboxed, so I can see some of the world and cultivate my ideas. Get rid of the tariffs! Get rid of this president! We already love our country. Don’t clip our wings.”
A group of pastel-colored Fairy Barbies nearby utters a collective gasp.
“Easy, ladies, it’s just a metaphor,” says savvy Spy Barbie with a wink. “Or, at least I hope it is.”
She has her work cut out for her if she’s going to get to the bottom of things, but she’s confident, knowing she has more intel experience than Kash Patel and John Ratcliffe combined. At least she’s escaped the box and can move about in the world.
Score: Spy Barbie 1- POTUS 0
She looks around at all her Barbie sisters, feeling triumphant.
What’s the worst he can do to them? Grab them by their non-existent pussies?
With that empowering realization, Spy Barbie makes her way to the super secret leadership meeting to strategize about his ouster, humming a tune en route.
You say you'll change the constitution
Well, you know